H

I had to learn this the hard way tonight. Someone is moving away that I chose not to spend much time with. While I am happy for them, I am mad at myself for being so foolish.

Sometimes there is a reason God is keeping you from someone...and then sometimes you're just plain old missing out. Discernment will help you figure out the difference. Tomorrow's not promised. Mend or build relationships today while you're alive. If you're afraid of getting hurt, trust that no weapon formed against you shall prosper.

G

I should have cleaned tonight. But I feel like my legs have weights strapped to 'em. I ordered Nella Larsen's "Passing" over a month ago and it has not been delivered yet. I checked out Norton's African American Lit Anthology the other month and I read an excerpt. Blew my mind!

Sometimes I have to travel to other eras for my sanity. Seeing what our people had to go thru back then makes me shut my mouth and put my "power to the people" fist down. There's so much info out there...nobody should ever complain about boredom. If I was legally bound from reading and eye contact and expressing my opinion...Idk what I'd do.


We all need to pay our dues from time to time. GN

F

I was only 8 points away from passing the 2nd part of the PLT:K-6 exam. 8 points. I found out last night and I got so mad at myself. And out of all parts, I failed the essay portion and "aced" the other part. 8 points. Sometimes we practice and focus on the wrong things...studying for this exam we call life. I mean, I studied thinking "yeah, I know all these theories...and this is how the questions are gonna look..." and guess what? I was so wrong.


 It reminds me of a few weeks ago. I was reading the Bible real tough and a test came, was totally unprepared for it...and I'm thinking with my natural mind or whatever...but the test required me to think with the spiritual mind. I just about almost failed it because I was still functioning on the logic of this world. So. I have two months to prepare for the next one. I took the first test the end of June. I was so nervous. I asked God to take over my mind. I was so shook, I told him just a couple of points over the required score was fine with me. I didn't just pass...I did exceptionally well! But I was humble when I took it, and better prepared. That spiritual test that crept up on me though?! I was so arrogant...certain that whatever I was reading...was extremely easy to attain. Not so. I guess that's what separates the readers from the doers. God already said what would happen to the proud. He said it many times. Said it for a reason.


 Until next time.

E

We are protected from things that we don't even know are taking place. I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have praying people in my circle. People will try to trip you up...even though you should always cover yourself...believe that your enemies will end up stuck in the grave they're trying to dig for you...

Words

I always consider my approach when I offer criticism. Is this coming from a sincere place or am I just whining? I don't accomplish anything if I don't think first. I learned that my complaints sound so much better when my ideas are in the best interest of every party involved. I listen to people gripe just to be heard, and they aren't saying a word, really. Ciao.

Wasn't Built in a Day

Hey...it's me again
Sitting here doing your favorite thing---
Sketching
Got a pencil behind my ear and another in my hand
Understand that I was really dumb when you passed
The things you tried to instill in me...I didn't think they would last
But they did...you trained me and I didn't depart
So now your first love is also mine...the arts
Doesn't matter...music, poetry, stories, painting, cooking...
I learned it all from you, when you didn't think I was looking
I can bake the richest cobbler, or write a song...experience is my muse
I can paint a picture to rival Van Gogh's with the words I use
But right now, I have ten days to paint a mural for my classroom
I see that smile, you're happy, I'm a little bit of him and a whole bunch of you
I can say with a smile what other women would say with attitude
Or I can sit quietly and focus, one of your greatest attributes
Anyway, I know you're up there beautiful and free
Praising God, your cane is gone, your glasses are too
I know they are because the ocean is reflecting off your eyes...those big baby blues
And you're up there telling stories to my babies too
I'll tell Dad you said that how you feel still stands
Without your correction, he wouldn't be such a righteous man...
Your life was the biggest part of God's plan
But now it's back to life, you're alright, I'm going to stop recollecting,
Pick back up my pencil,  and get back to sketching...


Love you Granny

Marc, Luke, and John

You are the forerunner to the #1 on my top 3 greatest list
Autumn is coming soon...nothing's changed. I still think about you.
Your cologne, your razor, the old fashioned way you shaved.
The fresh smell of Irish Spring in your bathroom, White Rain was your shampoo
You dressed like you were off to church everyday
You'd sit at the table, sipping that creamy coffee
"Accidentally" spilling some in your saucer, then handing it to me
Your voice, so tender and sweet is the most beautiful song ever sung to me
I was mad at God for the longest time,
Because I felt that He took a best friend of mine
You should see your son, you guys are just alike
On him, his grandkids thinks the sun sets and shines
You bore the fruit of greatness, on the left side of my family tree
You were and are everything to me...grandchild #63...maybe?
I lost count
Granny kept those kids coming out
No doubt our parents did the same
And so are we...I can't tell you how many of us had children that we call by your name
I hope that one day, I get to see your face
Illuminated by happiness and immortality
I know you're up there spoiling my babies.
Until the next time we meet...

Keep on resting in love and peace. Tell God I'm not mad anymore. :-)

D

Do I have any die hard music fans in the building?

Was just chilling, listening to one of my FAVORITE songs ever written. "I Can't Make You Love Me." There's 3 or 4 versions of the song. Originally recorded by Bonnie Raitt. I think the writer of the song remade it years later, then Boyz II Men, then some others, then Tank. But my favorite version is the original. Makes your heart bleed because as humans we ALL have been there.

If you don't know the song...here's a few of the lyrics...

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed

Turn down these voices inside my head

Lay down with me, tell me no lies

Just hold me close, don't patronize... don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

You can't make your heart feel something it won't.

A few songs do that to me. Olivia's "December," Isaac Hayes' "Walk on By," Brandy's "Have You Ever," Shontelle's "Impossible," JoJo's "Too Little Too Late," Commodores' "Sail On" and a few others.


But one thing that really hit me tonight as I played it. What if...there was another angle to this joint...God's perspective.


What if we had one more night to live, and we just didn't know it? He was waiting for us to choose Him...but He's a God of free will so He can't MAKE us choose Him. What if we had just one more night on this earth, and we'd be separated from Him forever because of our refusal to be real with Him...and He's just waiting the night out for us to have a change of heart. Really got in my head.


How do we pursue people who don't care about us...just pick things about us that arouse them, then throw us away...why do we chase and beg people, or think about them...why do we worship the unattainable more than we even think about GOD? The One who WATCHES us throw ourselves at the mercy of undeserving people.

The gentle and loving voice of the singer...not judging, not cursing, not threatening. Just a simple statement..."I can't make you love me, if you don't..." That's God.

This is the original meaning of the song anyway. She KNOWS her man is into someone else. He doesn't even SEE her. She just wants one more night in his arms before she accepts that it's a done deal.


WOW.

C

It was my first day. I was introduced to my kids and then I was alone with them. Seemed like everyone was staring at me---and they were. I was so nervous...I started singing. "A, B, C, D, E, F, G...H, I , J , K LMNOP....Q R S....T U V...W X...Y & Z...Now I know my ABC's...next time won't you sing with me? YAYYYYY!!!" Clapping and jumping like a fool all by my foolish and nervous self. They stared at me with open mouths. Some screamed for their mommies. I went on about my business and started my lesson plan. To no avail.


I sang it every morning. And some other songs.




 Two weeks later on the playground I hear a bunch of babble to the ABC tune, then I hear "YAYYYY!" Other teachers looked confused. What was wrong? The kid who was singing...they didn't even know he could talk. It's much later, and my heart has been stolen by 30 cute little sour patch kids.




GN all.

B

Haiku

we are sudden stars

you and i exploding in

our blue black skins

Written by Sonia Sanchez

 

Make your mark, before you make your exit. Nite all.

8

Enjoying this french vanilla coffee

I was going to clear my library, because I thought I'd outgrown my books.
And I read one, just at random. I really needed that message.
I cried like I'd never read it before, laughed at the funny parts.
So you know what...I'm going to get myself a nice bookshelf. Don't know where I'm going to put it. But I will never, ever plan to get rid of another book.
Reading is my life.

7

I don't just talk to be talking. It's a lot of mess I've forgiven people for, and every once in awhile, I wake up gritting my teeth. Sometimes I feel like seeking vegeance, sometimes I feel bad for it. Somedays, the reality of whatever happened has my knees wobbling, and I'm walking around with a box of Kleenex. Somedays, I am not above kicking someone's face in, and sometimes, I'm not below helping them out of a bind. Sometimes, it feels like the shards of my shattered heart didn't automatically piece back together just because the person apologized. There's this part of me, and that's the biggest part of me, that would never want to see them cry the way I've cried in this life. I've been through ALOT. And still, if I have many years left on this earth, got a lot more to go through. But God has been good to me. He has carried me through the whole way. I don't have the right to be unforgiving.



And y'all. I was just going through a period of internal anger as I typed this. Huge lump in my throat disappeared. This blog thing is my therapy!

6

I can't look to anyone for validation but God...then myself.


And I love it.


Back to life. Gotta fold laundry and stuff.

5

Nobody can "get you down" without your permission. Ciao.

4

Can't take...


my education
my dignity
my moral being
my God given peace
the King's English out of my speech
the consistency of my femininity
my spiritual virginity
the Trinity that lives inside of me
the fact that I'm his greatest ammenity
the blessings that flow through me
the lava hot blood running through my veins
the truth that my forefathers didn't bring me here in vain
my by-any-means necessary family protection clause
my right not to distract my kids with an imaginary Santa Claus
the position God predestined for me
my right to say no to the Easter Bunny
my desire to strictly celebrate the birth and resurrection
the fact that all these things help keep me steered in the right direction




Stand up for yourself and do it the healthy way.

3

It's night time and I love it. Lights out, listening to old music. Not completely out. I'm afraid of the dark.
With sadness, remember the days I was not afraid. The darkness invited creativity into my world.  I would lie in bed with the windows up, blinds cracked so the street light could beam in. Breeze creeping into my room. Excitement kept me awake for hours.


Especially in the springtime, with the whiporwheels (sp) whistling, crickets kind of chirping, even small frogs chiming in...building the soundtrack to my thoughts.

Is this is what I was so excited about?

Heck yeah!!!!


I didn't do it the way A&J sketched it out for me. Nope. Didn't graduate and jump the broom at 22, like A planned.  I doubt that L&F and J&W are spinning in their graves. I think they're proud of who their granddaughter is becoming because it's like this...

None of us started at the same mark...and none of us are going to reach the same finish line.


Don't let anyone's dreams for you, deter your dreams for yourself. If you didn't do it the way they planned, then HOORAY!!!! You get to be creative with YOUR blueprint. Isn't that amazing?! Go for it! And don't get depressed looking at your peers and where they are. They're probably looking at your life, wondering why they didn't do some things the way you'd done. 

Sometimes, we need to embrace those quiet moments. Some of us were bolder as youth than we are right now. In my darkest hours, I still click on that lamp that I call my imagination, and gaze into the future. I am SO excited!




Signing off.

2

Why seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which does so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us...Hebrews 12:1

1

I have dreams always that I'm on a cruise somewhere, and my old Spanish professor is the tour guide. The water is clear, a weird green, and extremely deep. Mountains surround the ocean or whatever it is, the clouds are so low and fluffy. I have no fear of the creatures lurking in the water.


 He's talking, I'm not listening, I'm watching everything...I can even look past the mountains and see a pit of thorns that everyone has to pass through to get to the water. All of these people are familiar to me. He's got his mic and he's giving info still and I jump off the ship before he can scream "No!"




Next thing I know, I'm floating on my back even though the water is deep and everything is even more grand than it was when I was on the ship. It's cool that I can do so many wild things in my dreamworld, it makes me wonder why, if any other person on this earth has dreams so profound, is there any fear of making moves in the real world?




I believe that we have the power to jump from the highest plateau (figuratively) and land on our feet if we have that confidence. Career moves especially. If you have the charisma, the knowledge, and the integrity...and you put those things to work faithfully...the possibilities of success are endless.



Pursue your dreams responsibly and with discernment.